Revenge Porn: The Journey

Some of my family may have a heart attack right now. Just going to state that right now. Prepare yourself for immense disappointment in me if you are family. So now that everything is over it's time for me to share my experience. Here in Texas no less.



Part 1: Laws and Punishment.

Revenge porn is defined as:

noun

     1. Sexually suggestive images of someone, typically a former romantic partner, that are posted online or otherwise shared without the person's consent.

       First let me share the laws with you. Of course these laws vary state to state. Of the 50 states ONLY 26 choose to outlaw the practice of revenge porn. Of these 26 only 12 have made it a felony, 2 have made it a felony under certain circumstances and 12 of them have only filed it as a misdemeanor. The state of Texas files this as a Class A Misdemeanor.

       So what does this mean for someone who is charged with this crime in Texas? Depends on the county sure but where I live? Technically 365 days in jail, which on good behavior comes out to 6 months. (In New Jersey the person would be looking at a felony and spend 3-5 years in jail and a 30,000 fine).

Part 2: The Story

   
     So right now I'm sure I have those of you who are wondering what happened. So the story begins....

I'm not going to be using actual names for the fact that public eyes may be reading this.

Me and (lets call him J) J had been dating for a little over a year when I decided we needed to split up. I had started to question a future with this guy and decided maybe a break was best. I still loved him most definitely. I mean enough to trust him with explicit content.

    During our split I decided to move into my best friends house. They were awesome enough to let me stay, babysit their son etc. Talk about the best friends a girl could have at that moment. I started seeing someone else. J didn't like that so much but he played nice. He was living in my apartment, using my car and the bills still in my name. (you can guess what happened to the bills and the apartment. $5000.00)

     Fast forward about 6 months. My relationship with the other guy ended. J wanted to get back together, I didn't.

     I started seeing someone else. This wasn't something either of us had planned but to be fair this guy and I have a long friendship behind us, we go well together. We will call him D. Because of some history we didn't just come out and say we were together. I mean everyone we knew had thought we saw each other as family. (I was in denial for a long time that I loved him. Until we had a long long talk) J didn't like that I didn't tell him right away. So he went behind my back an threatened a friend he thought I was dating. Eventually he found out.

     October 27, 2015 things were rocky. Very tense. He came to my job to drop off packages that came for me in the mail. We got into an argument, in which he told me I wasn't ever getting my car back. This resulted in me calling the police when he left. (since I let him borrow the car I had to serve him with a notice saying he had 10 days to return it. I however could take the car if I found it) After that is when I found out that since I was still paying for his cell phone I could track him. Thank you T-MOBILE!!!!

     Later is when D let me see the message. The one with the explicit content. I called the cops and so it began...

Part 3: He Goes to Jail and the Warrant is Executed

     Sitting in the station waiting to talk to the initial detective was nerve wracking. The Detective of course was going to have to see and record the content. (yay another person I didn't want seeing it) I gave my statement while trying to hold myself together. I was humiliated. I felt unsafe, afterall, he decided to claim me as his personal whore. (Fuck you, I'm not your property, nor am I a whore.) I kept tracking him. Really I kept tracking my car. November 1st, I had an opening I got my car back! He wasn't happy with that. (Sorry to the other two I unintentionally left stranded) Next thing I know he's threatening to take the car back and tells me he's coming to my house. Cops called again....

    At this point since I'm the only person in Austin to file charges like this, the cops already know me. "You're the revenge porn girl!" yep. That's me. Great. They start asking me what is going on and what he looks like. My roommate pipes up. "He's walking up right now". Yes he's an idiot. He actually showed up at my house thinking he was going to take the car back. Since he has warrants he's arrested. While he's in jail the warrant is executed. A week and a half later he's out on bail. That's when the nightmares really kick in. I'm not going anywhere alone. I don't know if he's going to retaliate. My place of employment implements a procedure to protect me if he shows up. My roommates and D make sure I'm never alone, or if I am, I have protection.

Part 4: The Ongoing Investigation

    He goes to court, gets reset. The process continues. Until one day I get a call from C. A mutual friend of the two of us. He got arrested again. January 24th, 2016. Probation Revocation. Oh yeah! He's been on probation this whole time. Probation + warrants + dirty drug tests + missing meetings + new charges = Bye bye probation.

    Court comes then goes, over and over until one day BAM! Sentenced with Felony probation revocation. 260 days county time. A small victory!! But what about my case....

    April 1, 2016 I get a call in the middle of work from J's brother, my old roommate. I was at work so I had to ignore the call. Until he told me to call him immediately. He had gotten a call from J's lawyer. Suddenly the plot twists. He's trying to tell his lawyer and the prosecutor that I SENT THE MESSAGE!!!!! I was LIVID!! That's when I found out. We are going to trial. He wasn't taking a deal... 

    That's when I called Ms. C and asked her if she knew anything about it. She didn't. I needed a witness. Unfortunately this is where the woman who was both our friends, who let me know what was going on on his side, kept me informed. This is where she had to get involved as the witness to the crime. I still hate that she had to get involved.

      Me and D went and talked to the prosecutor and the investigator. Thank God we still had the content and message for evidence purposes because the initial recording wasn't clear enough. they were able to recover everything. D, C, and I were going to have to testify.

Part 5: The Plea Deals Come to Light

April 15, 2016. I receive an email from the prosecutor. The Defense is now a little worried about my witness. Someone who saw him send the message and heard him brag about it. (Apparently he did it to cast doubt with D, not to hurt me. Moron) I am asked my input on the deals being put on the table. Both are convictions. One involves him being on probation for two years with the condition of a protective order in place for me. The second, he serves another month and a half but no protective order. He would be free and clear. OF COURSE I called the department who handles the orders and a conviction either way could grant me the protection order. I told the prosecutor that both work out in my favor. I don't care which he chooses. He's away from me.

April 19th 2016. I'm still waiting on the phone call saying he accepted a deal. It hasn't come yet. Tomorrow we for sure hear if we have to go to court and testify. Praying we don't. The Jury would have to see the content. The defense attorney is going to "slut-shame" me on the stand. I have to look at people knowing they have seen a side of me not meant for them. I'm a nervous wreck.


April 20, 2016.  He took a plea deal. Pleaded guilty and served 90 days. Well kinda. He had credit time already. So it looks like its finally over. Almost. I went to get a protective order. Hoping they grant it this time. He has a hold on him for another county so he will probably sit until that county comes to pick him up. Gives me the perfect opportunity for the protective order since they need an address for it. Nope, Protective order declined. No actual physical violence they said. It's bullshit. But...




At long last, its over. No more court dates. No more anxiety on possibly going to trial. Still a victory. This was a conviction and the first conviction of it's kind here. Because of this he was not only sentenced with the misdemeanor but also a felony for the probation revocation. I feel angry that it came down to all of this.


Some of the people reading this will probably think, Well that content shouldn't have existed. To you I say, I am an adult, I was in a committed relationship, I did nothing wrong.


If you actually read all of this thank you. I love you.


90 days isn't enough. I was lucky that everyone I surround myself with is supportive and it was just one message. What about the girl who's content is posted online, and her life is linked to it. What about the girl applying for jobs and now can't get rid of it. What about the girl who gets harassed and takes verbal abuse from strangers because of it. Do you think 90 days is enough for possibly weeks, months, maybe even years of harassment and the mental strain that follows? All because an ex boyfriend became obsessed.


I want to change the laws here.


Thanks for reading.
-B

Being the Nice Person

      Here is a question for anyone reading this. When are you being too nice?

     Being the nice person who does just about anything for people has always been how I am. I will go through mental anguish, depression and even abuse for those that I love simply so they can be at peace. When is enough, enough though?

       

    

     This has been a question I struggled with for a while now with my past two relationships. I know where I have wanted to be in life by now but I let them drag me down. From paying the majority of the bills, to signing leases when I wasn't even staying there, to loaning out my car. I was even the chauffer. Yes I loved these individuals, I saw potential in them. What I couldn't do though was make them live up to their potential.

     I also noticed that when I started standing up and saying no, things got ugly. Instead of being silent about the idiotic things they complained about and agreeing with them, I started actually voicing my opinion. That is when things went downhill. Things I am still having to deal with.

             

     On one hand one relationship ended badly. What did he do? He moped around for a while, broken hearted. However, he decided to be a man and move on. We may not speak, but he does acknowledge both of our faults. He understands that sometimes things just don't work out. He's moving on. No spite. No vindictive behaviors. He is the adult that realizes he can move on and this wasn't meant to be. I give him a whole LOT of respect for that. Respect he deserves when it comes to this.

    Then we have the extreme and spiteful. No matter what I may have done to help, I'm now still the bad guy. Oh lawd have mercy, I'm the psycho ex. ( Sorry, I can't help but get a good laugh at that one. This is where we need a sarcasm font. ) I'm not going to go into details about this one quite yet. There is still a lot going on that I will update everyone about in the future. I will say this though. Trying to ruin someone's new relationship is some middle school level shit. (Luckily my new boyfriend wasn't phased at all, Didn't even open the message he was sent. He just calmly came to me about the situation and has been there through the whole thing.) Getting ahold of people close to me to rant and rave about my issues (LOL "my issues") and also threatening them was a bit on the "ching-chong-potato" spectrum. It's funny though. While he's telling all these things about me, I'm hearing the things I didn't know about. (there are stories about a Rachel and Liz, and I still remember Katrina. Like seriously? And I'M the liar). This was the guy that I have done the most for. I even put my own freedom on the line for this guy. This was the guy I had put all my trust in. Now I regret everything about that relationship except one thing. When he tried to royally fuck me over I realized when enough is enough.

                  

I will never again put more into a relationship than what I get out. This goes for any relationship. Professional, friendship and romantic relationship. When you notice this happening, that is when you say "Enough"!

Sorry this kinda turned into a rant.

You get my point.

Say no.

-B

                                            

This Infuriating Journey.

So lately I have been on this journey to find my own inner happiness. This is not an easy or short journey by any means. Since embarking on this journey people have gotten hurt. As my Mom says "You can never please everyone, be true to you and your future. There will be casualties. Be strong but kind." I have already seen the truth in this. hell, this blog may say some truths others may not want to hear.

One thing I have learned is you really need to pick and choose who is in your circle. Some little birdies (tweet, tweet) are just there to whisper and see what happens. This has almost caused me to lose people who I love dearly here in Austin. I have now learned that I have some pretty bad trust issues with the exception of like 4 people. 4 people out of the amount of people I know in Austin. I find this kinda sad.

Of those 4 people only two actually see through my bullshit. Only two can look at me smiling and go "what's wrong?". They seem to know exactly when the wheels in my head are turning and what I'm thinking about at the moment. They listen to anything I have to say and I feel absolutely no judgment. I love them dearly for that. They mean the world to me.

I know that i am a pretty screwed up individual. I know now how manipulative I really am and it kinda scares me. And it kinda makes me proud?  I'm not sure how I feel about it. I play Secret Keeper for a lot of people. Right now trying really hard not to tear down tweet tweet's world.

In trying to find happiness in myself I have hurt an important person in my life. No matter how idiotic he is when he's drunk (and sometimes sober too) he's always going to be a huge part of my life. He's a great guy with a lot of love to give. I'm very proud of him right now. The things we have been through will always keep us in each others lives. The problem is we want different things. He wants to try a relationship again. I don't and I'm not sure how I will feel in the future. I really feel like he should try to move on. We have agreed to start over as friends but I feel like that's a hard distinction to make considering our past. It is one of those things that I feel guilty for everyday. I think its one of the things standing in my way, trying to do me but protect his feelings. I think we need to just have some breathing room, continue our lives and let things play out. You never know what's going to happen right?

Then there's the attraction I have and want. One of the people who sees through me. His honesty and respect are unmatched. But yet again. Trying really hard not to hurt people. Why am I on this journey (MY JOURNEY) and still worrying about the feelings of others. How do I hurt someone but still be kind?

I'm trying to get through my depression and anxiety. My ADHD doesn't help (hey shiny object!). and all of this on top of it doesn't help.

Then I have some people who just assume the things in my life when they really have no clue. Unless you are right here with me STFU or GTFO. In nice terms.


I need a getaway weekend. It's time to revert to what used to always clear my head. A quiet environment where I can hike, swim, fish and camp. Drink some beer and just let the thoughts run their course. Maybe practice some primal screaming. The kind that happens in my head every day.

My heart hurts.
My head hurts.
I wanna scream.
I'm gonna break.
I want the anxiety to go away.

Also, my butt is getting bigger.
-B

"Except Me"

   "You are worth so much more!"

 

We have all said that in our lifetime, men and women alike. I know I used to say it constantly to my friends. Some of whom I think may read this and think its partially about them. If that is how you feel then I think , my friend, you need to hear what I have to say. don't take it personally, but do think on this.

How often are we telling people that they deserve better than what they have? How often are we judging others relationships? How often are we judging our friend's significant others because we feel they aren't good enough?

I caught myself this morning saying "I never thought of myself being worth anything". I actually said it OUT LOUD! After thinking for quite some time on this I realized that I am constantly telling people that they are worth so much more in life. That they deserve everything their little heart desires and that they can make it happen. I have watched people close to me struggle with their own inner demons. I have done everything I can to show these people that they are loved, and that they have WORTH. I preach this constantly!

 

"I never thought of myself as being worth anything."

 



Holy crap. I can't believe I actually voiced that.

I was raised better than that. I was raised to take over the world through paint, color and music (and probably something way more practical but I forgot what that was). Somehow along the way I lost that.

Now I can sit here and play "victim". It was a bad relationship. I was bullied. (I had a bad hair day) hell, I could use a lot worse examples of being victimized. But I am not going to. I am not a victim. I did this to myself.

My only simple question is how? How could I. (And I mean I! Me! Myself!) How could I have let myself fall so short in my own expectations? The same expectations I expect everyone else to have for themselves. Everyone has to be a freaking tiger (I've got the eye of the tiger....oops sorry...) except me.

I honestly see this over and over again in my day to day life. I tell someone they are worth more, they tell me they know. Then I watch them basically say the same damn thing to me a mere week later. Why are we so harsh? I feel like we need to start taking a step back (you too. you know who you are) and evaluate if we feel we have what we deserve. Think on how we feel about ourselves. Not to say that we shouldn't remind people that they are worth  their weight in gold, but maybe just show them that they are worth so much to US, instead of being better than what we think is flawed. I see a lot of people who have the same issue. They have the same flaws but don't expect better for them.

I know it's time for me to take a step back and figure out my own worth. And not what I'm worth to others. I'm talking what am I worth to me.

 

No More Exceptions!

-B

So I was offered a modeling gig. Here was my response and it got me thinking.

So an acquaintance on my Facebook recently offered me a modeling gig. It was a pool party/ model shoot and he thought I should be a part. I was extremely flattered that he would think of me for something like this.

But then I got to thinking about it. I have had two kids. I have loose skin and plenty of stretch marks to go along with it. Did I really want to be around these models and their gorgeous bodies and be the one girl who looks bad in comparison? No. I didn't. I would have gone home in tears and feeling horrible about myself.

But why? Why should I feel that way. Having kids is natural and my body responded to that in a natural way. Plus there is always Photoshop right?

Thinking about all of this got my wheels turning. Why should I have to be photo shopped? Why should I have to be made to look skinnier and my body altered to what isn't reality? I shouldn't have to. Why are women held to such standards to be this perfect?

Every morning we as women wake up and do our makeup. Do we do it for us or for impression? Can we go a day without doing our makeup and hair? What responses would we get. I don't really wear much makeup to begin with. Powder foundation, eyeliner and mascara. Occasionally I'll go with some daring red lipstick. But what if I were to come in without all that.

I want to do a photo shoot. However, I want it to be something that looks as natural as possible. I understand the need for some makeup because of the lights but I don't want my blemished and marks to be hidden away completely. I want Mothers all around the world to see that what we have is part of our being. It is a reminder of what we went through to gain the best little people in our lives.

We don't need to cover those up. We don't need to hide. We are who we are and you know what? At the end of the day I am happy to be me.

Find me a photo shoot that will express exactly that and I will do it. We need to start changing societies standards of us.

This link is something every woman should read and watch the video. This gorgeous and talented singer is just another inspiration for this blog.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/07/13/colbie-caillat-try_n_5581951.html

I'm not going to hide anymore.

<3
B

Missing my kids, how I cope being two states away.

So my children have not been in my custody since I left my ex. And it's ok. I know I left for the greater good. And my ex is a great Dad most the time.

I still deal with the guilt though of leaving. My son's inquiry of why I have a different home and when am I coming back hurt. It makes me cry every time I hear it. I pot myself in his shoes and feel his confusion, hurt feeling and his anger. Knowing these things is painful.

But I cope. Sometime's I don't cope well. I slip into depressive states that are hard to come out of. I wonder if I made the right choice. And sometimes the only way to get out of the depression is weed. It brings me back to the reality of my decision. I start to remember the good that will come of this.

My kids, will no longer see constant fighting and misery. I don't want them thinking that's normal. Thinking that's what a relationship should be like. My son will become an asshole and my daughter won't stand up for herself and demand respect.

I want my son to treat women with respect and honor. What he was seeing fell entirely short. I'm not saying his Dad is a bad guy. He's not. We just brought out the worst in each other. I want my son to find someone who he wants to spoil. I want him to be that guy that women dream of having. Strong and respectful he demands women with class.

I want my daughter to command respect. When I met my ex I did. But as the years went by I stopped caring about the bad issues. I decided to ignore them instead of hit them head on. I want my daughter to walk down the street one day and turn heads for the right ways. I want her to carry herself in such a way that the dumb immature men feel intimated and don't try. If she turns out anything as confident and worthy as I feel today I'll be proud of her.

I remember these things and know I'm ok. I'm doing everything I can to take care of things here in Austin. There's no delay in how hard I am working to get to them in Utah. And every time I talk to them I remind them. "Mommy will make it baby, just be patient" I remind them every time that I love them, that I miss them, that mommy is still here and if they want to talk to me ask daddy.

I plan on getting joint custody. I WILL be there for them no matter what it takes to get there. If I have to just load my car with my essentials and move that way I will.

And I remember that. I'm not a deadbeat mom. I feel the pain everyday of them being so far away. But I remember, it's only temporary.

-B

My life in since I've left him.

Oh man. This one of going to be a doozy. Depending on who you are you may want to sit down.

I'm just going to get this one out there.

I was homeless (like literally, not couch surfing). Slept on cardboard outside, in all elements. No I wasn't smelly.
I've been arrested twice. Technically 3 times but the last time I didn't sit in jail.
I've hustled for money. I couldn't spend my own because of supporting the kids and the ex.
I've lived in a world most functioning members of society ignore or are scared of.
I have done drugs. (nothing heavy though)
I have had to convince someone to get into an ambulance instead of overdose.
I know what it's like to never be warm.
I know what it can be like to shower in the bathroom of Jimmy Johns.
I've been attacked and hurt.
I know stealing out of necessity.
I know the brutal judgement of strangers.
Some of my best friends are gang affiliated.
I've known drug dealers, prostitutes and pimps. I know addicts and professional thieves.
I know the drug world in depth.
I've seen violence and known a fear of law enforcement.
My life has been threatened by some serious (and some not serious) people. Guns were something seriously thought about being purchased in some sketchy ways.
I've had a lot of my belongings stolen and raided because I had no safe place to put it.
I've learned sleeping with one eye open.

I like marijuana.

Right now you're probably thinking a variety of things.
- What the Fuck.
- She's a fuck up.
- She had other options.
- Why didn't she tell me.
- Why didn't she ask for help.
- OMG SHE SMOKES WEED

Did I fuck up? Yeah. I never thought I'd ever be in any of these situations.
Did I have other options? In hindsight, maybe. At the time in my head, no.
Why didn't I ask for help? Pride. Shame. Guilt. Didn't want anyone to worry. Same reasons I didn't tell anyone.

WOULD I CHANGE IT??
Quite simply, no.
This is why.

I know the kindness of strangers.
I know I can survive.
I learned who I was.
I learned to count true blessings.
I met amazing people that society doesn't acknowledge, and is truly missing the insight of these beautiful people.
I learned that life can change for the worst in the blink of an eye, so don't take anything for granted.
I've traveled down the rabbit hole.
I've learned that having this experience can create people who won't bullshit you.
I know a completely different type of community network that looks out for their own.
I know the kindness of a homeless person sharing his only sandwich with me because he knew I hadn't eaten.
I know long hours to make ends meet. My days started at 7AM, actual job 10-6 and night hustle ended at 4AM.
I know pure joy in having PEOPLE, not material possessions.
I learned to speak and negotiate.
I learned being humble.
I gained experience to help me be a better mother.
I learned that complete strangers can open your eyes and bring you to  tears.
I've learned how to be positive.
I've learned being that ear to friends and strangers alike.
I know the impact a spare dollar can make. And as long as I have one, it will be given.
I know that if I'm knocked down, I'm fucking strong enough to get back up and battle through it no matter what.
I know not giving up. Ever. It's not an option.
I know the right time to ask for help.
And I know the value of a true companion.

Why would I change any of that?

Yes some of my actions came with consequences. And I'm taking full responsibility. I won't complain. I will charge forward and take care of these things one by one.

I know I'll probably get some phone calls about this stuff. I know there are still questions. Please be aware some of this stuff is raw. It took a lot to write this.

Just know that I'm ok now. I have a great family made up of good people. I have a home. I am getting back up. And it's working.

I am Bobbie.

<3,
B