Dealing with raw emotion.

I have a lot of mixed emotions at this point in my life.

I have the heartache AND joy of getting divorced. I know I'm hurting him, but I'm like a prisoner counting the days until I can be outside those walls a free person.

I have the joy of friends. Yet I also have the knowing of I'm not fully in the circle. Still trying to figure out my reasoning on that one.

I have the joy of that friend who makes me feel amazing, but I also realize that because it's new I'm overly wanting. I get annoying. I think. And now I have mixed signals on that one. I know I'm probably over thinking. Like usual.

I have the feeling of loneliness although I have friends. Again, still trying to figure that one out.
Social awkwardness, maybe? That's new to me too.

I feel like that teenager trying to find their way. Trying to find themselves.

I look forward to reinventing myself. To living the way I want to. To being me. To doing what must people do between the ages of 18 and 25. (Responsibly and in moderation of course. I am, after all, still a Mommy too)

I'm at an up point right now. This is good. I need to keep this. And hopefully keep whatever or whoever it is that keeps me up. There's some sort of formula keeping me together.

I need to reach out, I think, for help. But I'm stubborn.
Like a friggin mule.
I'm screwed up.
It's ok though.
Kitties.
:)

-B

So I can't sleep.

There is a lot on my mind. I don't know why it's all glaring at me right now, but I'm overwhelmed.

I'm trying to conquer everything at once and I'm failing. I want to be held while I cry and comforted but there's no one there. I feel alone.

I'm trying seriously hard to see myself in a good light. But after the shit I've been through the past years I've been with him, it's really hard.

He wants to take my kids. Correction. He wants to take them out of Texas altogether. Away from me. That will ruin me. He calls me selfish that I don't want to uproot what little of an actual life I have here, and what little of a life my son will have, Ivan starts school in two weeks.

I don't know if my son is ready for school. He's seriously behind and that makes me feel like I've failed.

I want to paint but I'm blocked.

I want out but can't go.

I need tears.

I need sleep.

End rant.