So lately I have been on this journey to find my own inner happiness. This is not an easy or short journey by any means. Since embarking on this journey people have gotten hurt. As my Mom says "You can never please everyone, be true to you and your future. There will be casualties. Be strong but kind." I have already seen the truth in this. hell, this blog may say some truths others may not want to hear.
One thing I have learned is you really need to pick and choose who is in your circle. Some little birdies (tweet, tweet) are just there to whisper and see what happens. This has almost caused me to lose people who I love dearly here in Austin. I have now learned that I have some pretty bad trust issues with the exception of like 4 people. 4 people out of the amount of people I know in Austin. I find this kinda sad.
Of those 4 people only two actually see through my bullshit. Only two can look at me smiling and go "what's wrong?". They seem to know exactly when the wheels in my head are turning and what I'm thinking about at the moment. They listen to anything I have to say and I feel absolutely no judgment. I love them dearly for that. They mean the world to me.
I know that i am a pretty screwed up individual. I know now how manipulative I really am and it kinda scares me. And it kinda makes me proud? I'm not sure how I feel about it. I play Secret Keeper for a lot of people. Right now trying really hard not to tear down tweet tweet's world.
In trying to find happiness in myself I have hurt an important person in my life. No matter how idiotic he is when he's drunk (and sometimes sober too) he's always going to be a huge part of my life. He's a great guy with a lot of love to give. I'm very proud of him right now. The things we have been through will always keep us in each others lives. The problem is we want different things. He wants to try a relationship again. I don't and I'm not sure how I will feel in the future. I really feel like he should try to move on. We have agreed to start over as friends but I feel like that's a hard distinction to make considering our past. It is one of those things that I feel guilty for everyday. I think its one of the things standing in my way, trying to do me but protect his feelings. I think we need to just have some breathing room, continue our lives and let things play out. You never know what's going to happen right?
Then there's the attraction I have and want. One of the people who sees through me. His honesty and respect are unmatched. But yet again. Trying really hard not to hurt people. Why am I on this journey (MY JOURNEY) and still worrying about the feelings of others. How do I hurt someone but still be kind?
I'm trying to get through my depression and anxiety. My ADHD doesn't help (hey shiny object!). and all of this on top of it doesn't help.
Then I have some people who just assume the things in my life when they really have no clue. Unless you are right here with me STFU or GTFO. In nice terms.
I need a getaway weekend. It's time to revert to what used to always clear my head. A quiet environment where I can hike, swim, fish and camp. Drink some beer and just let the thoughts run their course. Maybe practice some primal screaming. The kind that happens in my head every day.
My heart hurts.
My head hurts.
I wanna scream.
I'm gonna break.
I want the anxiety to go away.
Also, my butt is getting bigger.
-B
