Missing my kids, how I cope being two states away.

So my children have not been in my custody since I left my ex. And it's ok. I know I left for the greater good. And my ex is a great Dad most the time.

I still deal with the guilt though of leaving. My son's inquiry of why I have a different home and when am I coming back hurt. It makes me cry every time I hear it. I pot myself in his shoes and feel his confusion, hurt feeling and his anger. Knowing these things is painful.

But I cope. Sometime's I don't cope well. I slip into depressive states that are hard to come out of. I wonder if I made the right choice. And sometimes the only way to get out of the depression is weed. It brings me back to the reality of my decision. I start to remember the good that will come of this.

My kids, will no longer see constant fighting and misery. I don't want them thinking that's normal. Thinking that's what a relationship should be like. My son will become an asshole and my daughter won't stand up for herself and demand respect.

I want my son to treat women with respect and honor. What he was seeing fell entirely short. I'm not saying his Dad is a bad guy. He's not. We just brought out the worst in each other. I want my son to find someone who he wants to spoil. I want him to be that guy that women dream of having. Strong and respectful he demands women with class.

I want my daughter to command respect. When I met my ex I did. But as the years went by I stopped caring about the bad issues. I decided to ignore them instead of hit them head on. I want my daughter to walk down the street one day and turn heads for the right ways. I want her to carry herself in such a way that the dumb immature men feel intimated and don't try. If she turns out anything as confident and worthy as I feel today I'll be proud of her.

I remember these things and know I'm ok. I'm doing everything I can to take care of things here in Austin. There's no delay in how hard I am working to get to them in Utah. And every time I talk to them I remind them. "Mommy will make it baby, just be patient" I remind them every time that I love them, that I miss them, that mommy is still here and if they want to talk to me ask daddy.

I plan on getting joint custody. I WILL be there for them no matter what it takes to get there. If I have to just load my car with my essentials and move that way I will.

And I remember that. I'm not a deadbeat mom. I feel the pain everyday of them being so far away. But I remember, it's only temporary.

-B

My life in since I've left him.

Oh man. This one of going to be a doozy. Depending on who you are you may want to sit down.

I'm just going to get this one out there.

I was homeless (like literally, not couch surfing). Slept on cardboard outside, in all elements. No I wasn't smelly.
I've been arrested twice. Technically 3 times but the last time I didn't sit in jail.
I've hustled for money. I couldn't spend my own because of supporting the kids and the ex.
I've lived in a world most functioning members of society ignore or are scared of.
I have done drugs. (nothing heavy though)
I have had to convince someone to get into an ambulance instead of overdose.
I know what it's like to never be warm.
I know what it can be like to shower in the bathroom of Jimmy Johns.
I've been attacked and hurt.
I know stealing out of necessity.
I know the brutal judgement of strangers.
Some of my best friends are gang affiliated.
I've known drug dealers, prostitutes and pimps. I know addicts and professional thieves.
I know the drug world in depth.
I've seen violence and known a fear of law enforcement.
My life has been threatened by some serious (and some not serious) people. Guns were something seriously thought about being purchased in some sketchy ways.
I've had a lot of my belongings stolen and raided because I had no safe place to put it.
I've learned sleeping with one eye open.

I like marijuana.

Right now you're probably thinking a variety of things.
- What the Fuck.
- She's a fuck up.
- She had other options.
- Why didn't she tell me.
- Why didn't she ask for help.
- OMG SHE SMOKES WEED

Did I fuck up? Yeah. I never thought I'd ever be in any of these situations.
Did I have other options? In hindsight, maybe. At the time in my head, no.
Why didn't I ask for help? Pride. Shame. Guilt. Didn't want anyone to worry. Same reasons I didn't tell anyone.

WOULD I CHANGE IT??
Quite simply, no.
This is why.

I know the kindness of strangers.
I know I can survive.
I learned who I was.
I learned to count true blessings.
I met amazing people that society doesn't acknowledge, and is truly missing the insight of these beautiful people.
I learned that life can change for the worst in the blink of an eye, so don't take anything for granted.
I've traveled down the rabbit hole.
I've learned that having this experience can create people who won't bullshit you.
I know a completely different type of community network that looks out for their own.
I know the kindness of a homeless person sharing his only sandwich with me because he knew I hadn't eaten.
I know long hours to make ends meet. My days started at 7AM, actual job 10-6 and night hustle ended at 4AM.
I know pure joy in having PEOPLE, not material possessions.
I learned to speak and negotiate.
I learned being humble.
I gained experience to help me be a better mother.
I learned that complete strangers can open your eyes and bring you to  tears.
I've learned how to be positive.
I've learned being that ear to friends and strangers alike.
I know the impact a spare dollar can make. And as long as I have one, it will be given.
I know that if I'm knocked down, I'm fucking strong enough to get back up and battle through it no matter what.
I know not giving up. Ever. It's not an option.
I know the right time to ask for help.
And I know the value of a true companion.

Why would I change any of that?

Yes some of my actions came with consequences. And I'm taking full responsibility. I won't complain. I will charge forward and take care of these things one by one.

I know I'll probably get some phone calls about this stuff. I know there are still questions. Please be aware some of this stuff is raw. It took a lot to write this.

Just know that I'm ok now. I have a great family made up of good people. I have a home. I am getting back up. And it's working.

I am Bobbie.

<3,
B