Being the Nice Person

      Here is a question for anyone reading this. When are you being too nice?

     Being the nice person who does just about anything for people has always been how I am. I will go through mental anguish, depression and even abuse for those that I love simply so they can be at peace. When is enough, enough though?

       

    

     This has been a question I struggled with for a while now with my past two relationships. I know where I have wanted to be in life by now but I let them drag me down. From paying the majority of the bills, to signing leases when I wasn't even staying there, to loaning out my car. I was even the chauffer. Yes I loved these individuals, I saw potential in them. What I couldn't do though was make them live up to their potential.

     I also noticed that when I started standing up and saying no, things got ugly. Instead of being silent about the idiotic things they complained about and agreeing with them, I started actually voicing my opinion. That is when things went downhill. Things I am still having to deal with.

             

     On one hand one relationship ended badly. What did he do? He moped around for a while, broken hearted. However, he decided to be a man and move on. We may not speak, but he does acknowledge both of our faults. He understands that sometimes things just don't work out. He's moving on. No spite. No vindictive behaviors. He is the adult that realizes he can move on and this wasn't meant to be. I give him a whole LOT of respect for that. Respect he deserves when it comes to this.

    Then we have the extreme and spiteful. No matter what I may have done to help, I'm now still the bad guy. Oh lawd have mercy, I'm the psycho ex. ( Sorry, I can't help but get a good laugh at that one. This is where we need a sarcasm font. ) I'm not going to go into details about this one quite yet. There is still a lot going on that I will update everyone about in the future. I will say this though. Trying to ruin someone's new relationship is some middle school level shit. (Luckily my new boyfriend wasn't phased at all, Didn't even open the message he was sent. He just calmly came to me about the situation and has been there through the whole thing.) Getting ahold of people close to me to rant and rave about my issues (LOL "my issues") and also threatening them was a bit on the "ching-chong-potato" spectrum. It's funny though. While he's telling all these things about me, I'm hearing the things I didn't know about. (there are stories about a Rachel and Liz, and I still remember Katrina. Like seriously? And I'M the liar). This was the guy that I have done the most for. I even put my own freedom on the line for this guy. This was the guy I had put all my trust in. Now I regret everything about that relationship except one thing. When he tried to royally fuck me over I realized when enough is enough.

                  

I will never again put more into a relationship than what I get out. This goes for any relationship. Professional, friendship and romantic relationship. When you notice this happening, that is when you say "Enough"!

Sorry this kinda turned into a rant.

You get my point.

Say no.

-B

                                            

This Infuriating Journey.

So lately I have been on this journey to find my own inner happiness. This is not an easy or short journey by any means. Since embarking on this journey people have gotten hurt. As my Mom says "You can never please everyone, be true to you and your future. There will be casualties. Be strong but kind." I have already seen the truth in this. hell, this blog may say some truths others may not want to hear.

One thing I have learned is you really need to pick and choose who is in your circle. Some little birdies (tweet, tweet) are just there to whisper and see what happens. This has almost caused me to lose people who I love dearly here in Austin. I have now learned that I have some pretty bad trust issues with the exception of like 4 people. 4 people out of the amount of people I know in Austin. I find this kinda sad.

Of those 4 people only two actually see through my bullshit. Only two can look at me smiling and go "what's wrong?". They seem to know exactly when the wheels in my head are turning and what I'm thinking about at the moment. They listen to anything I have to say and I feel absolutely no judgment. I love them dearly for that. They mean the world to me.

I know that i am a pretty screwed up individual. I know now how manipulative I really am and it kinda scares me. And it kinda makes me proud?  I'm not sure how I feel about it. I play Secret Keeper for a lot of people. Right now trying really hard not to tear down tweet tweet's world.

In trying to find happiness in myself I have hurt an important person in my life. No matter how idiotic he is when he's drunk (and sometimes sober too) he's always going to be a huge part of my life. He's a great guy with a lot of love to give. I'm very proud of him right now. The things we have been through will always keep us in each others lives. The problem is we want different things. He wants to try a relationship again. I don't and I'm not sure how I will feel in the future. I really feel like he should try to move on. We have agreed to start over as friends but I feel like that's a hard distinction to make considering our past. It is one of those things that I feel guilty for everyday. I think its one of the things standing in my way, trying to do me but protect his feelings. I think we need to just have some breathing room, continue our lives and let things play out. You never know what's going to happen right?

Then there's the attraction I have and want. One of the people who sees through me. His honesty and respect are unmatched. But yet again. Trying really hard not to hurt people. Why am I on this journey (MY JOURNEY) and still worrying about the feelings of others. How do I hurt someone but still be kind?

I'm trying to get through my depression and anxiety. My ADHD doesn't help (hey shiny object!). and all of this on top of it doesn't help.

Then I have some people who just assume the things in my life when they really have no clue. Unless you are right here with me STFU or GTFO. In nice terms.


I need a getaway weekend. It's time to revert to what used to always clear my head. A quiet environment where I can hike, swim, fish and camp. Drink some beer and just let the thoughts run their course. Maybe practice some primal screaming. The kind that happens in my head every day.

My heart hurts.
My head hurts.
I wanna scream.
I'm gonna break.
I want the anxiety to go away.

Also, my butt is getting bigger.
-B

"Except Me"

   "You are worth so much more!"

 

We have all said that in our lifetime, men and women alike. I know I used to say it constantly to my friends. Some of whom I think may read this and think its partially about them. If that is how you feel then I think , my friend, you need to hear what I have to say. don't take it personally, but do think on this.

How often are we telling people that they deserve better than what they have? How often are we judging others relationships? How often are we judging our friend's significant others because we feel they aren't good enough?

I caught myself this morning saying "I never thought of myself being worth anything". I actually said it OUT LOUD! After thinking for quite some time on this I realized that I am constantly telling people that they are worth so much more in life. That they deserve everything their little heart desires and that they can make it happen. I have watched people close to me struggle with their own inner demons. I have done everything I can to show these people that they are loved, and that they have WORTH. I preach this constantly!

 

"I never thought of myself as being worth anything."

 



Holy crap. I can't believe I actually voiced that.

I was raised better than that. I was raised to take over the world through paint, color and music (and probably something way more practical but I forgot what that was). Somehow along the way I lost that.

Now I can sit here and play "victim". It was a bad relationship. I was bullied. (I had a bad hair day) hell, I could use a lot worse examples of being victimized. But I am not going to. I am not a victim. I did this to myself.

My only simple question is how? How could I. (And I mean I! Me! Myself!) How could I have let myself fall so short in my own expectations? The same expectations I expect everyone else to have for themselves. Everyone has to be a freaking tiger (I've got the eye of the tiger....oops sorry...) except me.

I honestly see this over and over again in my day to day life. I tell someone they are worth more, they tell me they know. Then I watch them basically say the same damn thing to me a mere week later. Why are we so harsh? I feel like we need to start taking a step back (you too. you know who you are) and evaluate if we feel we have what we deserve. Think on how we feel about ourselves. Not to say that we shouldn't remind people that they are worth  their weight in gold, but maybe just show them that they are worth so much to US, instead of being better than what we think is flawed. I see a lot of people who have the same issue. They have the same flaws but don't expect better for them.

I know it's time for me to take a step back and figure out my own worth. And not what I'm worth to others. I'm talking what am I worth to me.

 

No More Exceptions!

-B