Missing my kids, how I cope being two states away.

So my children have not been in my custody since I left my ex. And it's ok. I know I left for the greater good. And my ex is a great Dad most the time.

I still deal with the guilt though of leaving. My son's inquiry of why I have a different home and when am I coming back hurt. It makes me cry every time I hear it. I pot myself in his shoes and feel his confusion, hurt feeling and his anger. Knowing these things is painful.

But I cope. Sometime's I don't cope well. I slip into depressive states that are hard to come out of. I wonder if I made the right choice. And sometimes the only way to get out of the depression is weed. It brings me back to the reality of my decision. I start to remember the good that will come of this.

My kids, will no longer see constant fighting and misery. I don't want them thinking that's normal. Thinking that's what a relationship should be like. My son will become an asshole and my daughter won't stand up for herself and demand respect.

I want my son to treat women with respect and honor. What he was seeing fell entirely short. I'm not saying his Dad is a bad guy. He's not. We just brought out the worst in each other. I want my son to find someone who he wants to spoil. I want him to be that guy that women dream of having. Strong and respectful he demands women with class.

I want my daughter to command respect. When I met my ex I did. But as the years went by I stopped caring about the bad issues. I decided to ignore them instead of hit them head on. I want my daughter to walk down the street one day and turn heads for the right ways. I want her to carry herself in such a way that the dumb immature men feel intimated and don't try. If she turns out anything as confident and worthy as I feel today I'll be proud of her.

I remember these things and know I'm ok. I'm doing everything I can to take care of things here in Austin. There's no delay in how hard I am working to get to them in Utah. And every time I talk to them I remind them. "Mommy will make it baby, just be patient" I remind them every time that I love them, that I miss them, that mommy is still here and if they want to talk to me ask daddy.

I plan on getting joint custody. I WILL be there for them no matter what it takes to get there. If I have to just load my car with my essentials and move that way I will.

And I remember that. I'm not a deadbeat mom. I feel the pain everyday of them being so far away. But I remember, it's only temporary.

-B